Glassy Sky
by PetalMedic
Summary: {[Touken Drabble Collection]} (3/50) And really, if he's honest with himself, Haise didn't want to forget that girl named Touka anyways. In which Haise comes to term with much more than just himself. Drabble #3. Ratings may vary.
1. Remembrance - Part 1

Remembrance - Part 1

Summary: Haise can't tell if the voice inside his head is his own or the monster's.

Rating: T for language, nothing too bad

Genre: Angst (?)

Word Count: 658

* * *

Ever since his fight with the Serpent, the voice in his head just wouldn't go away.

 _Haise. Call my name. Let me take over. All your troubles will go away, I promise._

He flinched. Memories of a boy with the same face as his, but with gray eyes far deader. Devouring ghoul flesh that tasted like rubber. Memories of centipedes and cries and screams that echoed, a merciless laughter following. A sense of helplessness and anger. Other memories – better ones, of a café, a pretty waitress, an innocent little girl, a happy family. A boisterous human friend.

None of them his.

Haise raised his hand to his face, wanting to rip into his flesh – tearing strips and strips of skin and blood – until he got the monster out of his head. He had no business seeing those memories, memories that he refused to belong to him. Yet the monster kept shoving them at him. And slowly but surely, he remembered. Haise recalled as if the memories were his own, but the harder the monster tried to force him, the harder he rebelled, pushing those memories away. He had his Quinx team to take care of, he had a job at the CCG, he had friends, and _he was_ _happy_. He couldn't turn back to whatever he had been before he'd joined the CCG, not ever, and especially not now. He had too many bonds, too many connections to the people he'd grown to know. He refused to revert back to a ruthless killing monster, which was what he gathered he was before, given the hints dropped by Arima and Akira.

 _The damned doves- they took away who I was! Who you were! Are you so afraid that you're content to live a life of lies?!_

Haise flinched. The truth was that he _was_ scared. He was scared of who he was before, was scared that if he remembered, he would no longer be able to look at his human friends the same way he did now, with love and pride. He didn't want to lose himself. This feeling – of companionship, comradery – was something he cherished. He was _human_. He refused to become a monster. He refused to turn his back on his co-workers at CCG, the only close friends he had.

 _Don't make me laugh!_ The monster snarls his words. Haise's head pounded with the monster's anger. _You don't want to lose yourself? Fuck – you were already lost the moment your shitty life started. The life they stole from me and gave to you! What about_ my _friends? What about –_

At this point, the monster was basically howling in this head, and unable to bear the headache, Haise had ducked into a dark alley, breathing heavily, leaning against the cool surface of a tall building for support. Every word spoken was a knife in his head, but abruptly, the monster stopped his furious tirade, cutting himself off mid-sentence. Instead, strong waves of emotions washed over Haise, coming from the monster, and he could almost _taste_ those feelings. There were lots of anger, but also present were regret, grief, andstronger than anything – _longing_.

Unbidden, memories bubbled to the surface, and Haise could see clearly in his mind a kind old man with a matching kind smile, a boy with glasses smirking arrogantly, a sweet-faced caramel-haired girl reading a book, and a friend inseparable with his headphones. But standing out of the rest of the images, he could see the clearest a pretty, softly smiling girl with dark hair, deep indigo eyes, and long, curled lashes – the most breathtaking, beautiful girl that Haise had ever seen, even if only in memory. Something in him had stirred upon remembering that girl. The breath was knocked out of him, as if someone had kicked him, and his hearted ached for someone he didn't even know.

 _Touka._

This time, Haise wasn't sure if the name came from the monster or he himself.

* * *

 _ **A/N:** This is my first fanfic for Tokyo Ghoul. After my almost-a-year-long break from writing fanfiction, I'm back again, so I decided to try tackling a new ground here. _

_My other stories (all of them for Naruto) are on infinite hiatus, just saying that in case I'm caught by some of my old readers, but I'll definitely get back to them. In the past, I've had commitment issues with my stories (the reason I stopped writing), but hopefully, this time, a drabble series will be easier to commit to and it'll be a good fresh start for me._

 _Btw, don't worry. Not all of my author's notes are going to be this long. :D Don't forget to review/follow/favorite!_


	2. Linger

Linger

Summary: Like a widow's heart, we fall apart, but never fade away. (It's a song lyric, anyone knows which song?)

Rating: T

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Word Count: 921 (just the story, does not include the author's note or other additional notes)

 **Warning** (um, not really): * There is a background to this fic down below. If you want to read that before you read the story, go ahead. I think you'll understand the story pretty well without, but oh well. *shrugs*

* * *

They fall apart, but never really fade away.

The evidence of what they had once been is still everywhere, inescapable. It is in the way the Anteiku staff move uncomfortably whenever they have the same shift, the tension around them high. In the way Hinami looks torn whenever she is with one of them, but never both at the same time. There is a rabbit keychain at the serving counter that he'd given her, but now lays abandoned. There is the mask – the first mask he'd ever had, with her accompanying him to get it at Uta's shop – that is stashed underneath the boxes inside his storage closet.

They've fallen a long way from where they'd been.

* * *

The others look at her in pity.

She pretends not to notice when he starts living upstairs again at Anteiku and brings home random girls every night. She pretends not to notice when she hears moans and groans every night as she helps Hinami with her books, the younger ghoul shifting uneasily. She pretends she doesn't notice the scratches and lipstick marks she sees on his skin on the rare occasions they _did_ see each other when they had to work the same shifts.

She pretends that she isn't pretending to pretend that he means nothing to her.

Hinami tells her it's not healthy, what she's doing. So does Irimi-san.

And Touka pretends she doesn't know what they mean, too.

* * *

The others shake their heads in disappointment at him.

He ignores her existence, even though they live mere _doors_ away from each other. He ignores the twinge in his heart, the part of him that screams this isn't what he should be doing, as he drowns himself in the midst of intense pleasure but never passion to escape reality. He ignores the way his heart had almost leaped out when he sees the giant, bleeding gash on her arm caused by a nasty run-in with the doves as she stumbles inside the café, muttering to a frantic Hinami something about defending another weaker ghoul.

He ignores that ignoring her is proving to be the most painful thing he'd ever done.

Hide tries to give him a man-to-man talk. Nishiki-senpai, too.

Kaneki ignores the hurt and frustration on their faces when he brushes them off dismissively, too.

* * *

They still never fade away. Everyone wonders if they ever will.

There is still that strange electric charge in the air between them whenever they see each other. She is just as mesmerized by his deep grays eyes as ever, longs to reach out and touch his silky white hair that has yet to grow back as black, though his kidnapping had been almost a year ago. His eyes still stray to her automatically, without thinking, as long as they are in the same room, and he aches for her smiles, misses the feelings of security and warmth from her arms.

The left-overs of what they used to be still haunt them everywhere – those tiny broken fragments that cut deeper than any knives – they can never be free, and she tries to drown herself in desolation while he drowns in pleasure that bites back harder than he can take.

Yet, maybe, in time, they could've gotten back together, made things right again.

But he is not the tragic hero that gets a happy ending, and she is not the selfless princess who knows how to make her dark prince melt into puddles of sunshine. He would rather die than let her in the darkest parts of his mind, and she would rather wallow in misery, like she is doing now, than keep bombarding him with questions that he won't ever answer.

* * *

And so they continue in their little dance.

She refuses – _can't_ – to move on, turns down every guy in the café that hits on her. Humans are stubborn, though, and some are bolder than others. She looks the other way when she catches _him_ in the alley beating up the guys that overstep their boundaries, just don't get no means no. Tells herself that she shouldn't even care. She can damn well take care of herself.

Somehow, though, for reasons she doesn't know – or at least she pretends she doesn't, she cries less on those nights.

* * *

He knows that what he's doing is dangerous.

Taking those human girls home are a risk, not just to him, but also to the others living upstairs at Anteiku - but he's become addicted. He can't deal with the emptiness of his room at night by himself, remembers the centipedes and pliers and pincers, and dreams of numbers followed by screams. Taking all his energy out during sex is the best way he copes, but sometimes he's not careful enough; now and then, a few of the girls he takes home more than once – his _regulars_ , Nishiki-senpai calls them – pick up some suspicions, start asking the wrong questions, poke their noses where they shouldn't. He doesn't mention anything when he doesn't see them again – can't find them – and suddenly the café don't have to go 'food shopping' that month anymore and there are faded bloodstains when he sees _her_ clothes at their shared drying machine.

He doesn't regret it when he shamelessly screams out her name on those nights, even though he has pissed off more than one girl by doing so.

He thinks she would look great in red.

* * *

 _They still never fade away._

* * *

So, maybe, there could still be hope for them.

* * *

...

 _ *** So, the background ,** if anyone's confused: __After Kaneki's capture and subsequent torture by Yamori, Anteiku were able to rescue him, and all the stuff that happened afterwards, but in this fic, Kaneki did not leave Anteiku. Instead, he stayed and tried to cope with all that had happened with his friends to help him. At one point, he and Touka were in a relationship, but that didn't work out because Kaneki wouldn't open up and Touka hated seeing him suffer alone._

 ** _A/N:_** _I_ _n case anyone hasn't noticed by now, this fic is unrelated to 'Remembrance.' That is because this is a drabble collection, so don't worry, I do plan to have Part 2 up, most likely by Sunday. Meanwhile, I'll work on more drabbles! I would really appreciate it if you guys would give me some simple prompts (nothing too detailed; one or two words) to work with, a theme you'd like to see. Drop it in the review box, PM me, whatever. Pretty please?_

 _And don't forget to review! ;)_


	3. Remembrance - Part 2

Remembrance - Part 2

Summary: And really, if he's honest with himself, Haise didn't want to forget that girl named Touka anyways. In which Haise comes to term with much more than just himself.

Rating: K

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Romance

Word Count: 1,531

* * *

Haise is getting better than it.

He is beginning to be able to suppress the monster, locking the beast inside the darkest part of his mind at will. His head is starting to feel like his own again, and he is relieved. Very relieved. Relieved that Saiko isn't looking scared by his finger popping anymore, that Mutsuki is back to trailing behind him like a second shadow again, that Shirazu has stopped stalking and watching his every moves like a cat does a mouse, and that Urie is back to his sulking, muttering routine.

His lovely Quinx team. Back together without a worry. The way it should be. Smiling and laughing and bickering.

And he tells himself that the sudden emptiness in his chest is just part of stress, so when the others look at him in curiosity as he downs a few bottles of alcohol on a day off, something he never does before, he brushes their concerns off ( _are you sure you didn't get dumped, Sassan?_ ). He tells himself that he definitely isn't missing the warmth of those suppressed memories, of another life – not his – that is more dangerous and filled with heartache, but still somehow manages to seem more _alive_. He pushes away the recollection of pain-filled days ( _one thousand minus seven is –_ ), of fear and the fierce desire to protect no matter at what cost to his own person ( _I won't be returning to –_ ), of a different kind of friends and family – rougher, louder, more chaotic, but just as true as the one he has now ( _if you died, I would probably be sad)_.

Touka-chan.

This time, the name is not the echo of a memory. By now, the name has ingrained itself into his brain, consuming his every free thought. Sometimes, he imagines what kind of personality would go along with the name, wonders if he would ever get the chance to meet her. She has such a pretty face, but her eyes are what fascinated him the most. Even in the echoes of memories, he can recall those wide, bright eyes that look both blue and purple at the same time, the color mesmerizing. He still feels the ache in his heart whenever he thinks of her smile.

Haise tries hard to visualize the type of person she is – quiet, bold, fierce, kind, or loyal. He wonders if she remember him – or the past him, at least. If they did meet, would she cry, laugh, hug him? More importantly, what would _he_ do? He doesn't remember her, not truly. He tries imagining telling her that he doesn't remember anything of the past, imagines her face falling and tears gathering – because he _is_ sure that the monster inside his head had meant _something_ to her – and Haise suddenly wants to cry himself, too, just by thinking of her sad face.

 _What a mess I've made of myself._ He doesn't know whether he should laugh or sob how pathetic he is. Agonizing over a girl he doesn't even know. Dimly, though, he realizes that the other memories from the ghoul – the café, the old man, the centipede, the boy with headphones, the little girl reading, the half-face mask, all those things that invoked such strong feelings from the monster – are beginning to fade. Haise can barely recall what the café is called, let alone what it looks like, and the details of dark rooms and madmen are becoming blurry, leaving nothing but a dull ache in its place.

And that when Haise realizes. The reason why the memory of the girl is troubling him so much is because he's been clinging to it like a lifeline. Unconsciously, out of all the other ones, he's been drilling that particular memory into his head, as if a part of him is afraid he's going to lose that little part of her, the echoes of memories ( _acting like some shitty tragic hero with that grim look, you're an eyesore!) -_

\- but he doesn't need it. Because he is Haise Sasaki, and Haise Sasaki has no business with this girl named Touka, whoever she is, even though just the sound of her name leaves an empty space in his chest. He doesn't know her, doesn't need her, doesn't need to remember her, so he might as well forget –

 _NO!_

The shout resonates through Haise, sudden pain searing through his head, and he doesn't understand the relief in his chest upon hearing that voice. He immediately slams the ghoul down, but this time, the monster resists, pushing up the barriers in Haise's head just as hard as Haise is pushing down.

 _Please._

Haise hesitates at the soft plea, barely a whisper. That one single word contain so many emotions, more than Haise can count, flitting past him faster than he can identify them - desperation, anguish, _love_. Something in Haise respond to those feelings, reaches out to that faint voice, and against logic, he eases up on the ghoul in his mind, but the beast makes no move to take over.

 _Please,_ the monster repeats, voice broken and resigned, no longer angry or accusing like before. The tone is almost enough to make Haise feel bad. _I'll make you a deal._

Frowning, even though the monster is inside his head and can't possibly see it, Haise asks cautiously, _a deal?_

The monster whispers, almost choking on the words, _Forget your past, forget your name – anything else you'd like – but please, please don't forget Touka-chan. You can't! You_ _ **have**_ _to remember her._ And then the monster is speaking feverishly, sounding like a man on his deathbed. _Anything else, hell, anyone else – but not_ her _. You_ _ **can't**_ _forget her. That's my request._

 _If you do this one favor for me, I promise you won't hear from me again._

For a moment, Haise can't speak. He is shocked by the passion of the monster's speech, how _fierce_ the ghoul sounded. The ghoul is utterly desperate to retain the memories he has of that girl, even if it meant losing himself in Haise forever. Those feelings emitting from the ghoul are _intense_ , enough to make Haise feel slightly uncomfortably, and there's no way the ghoul can be faking that.

Haise can admire that. The desire to protect something precious, even if he had to sacrifice himself to do it. That's something he can relate with. Almost before he knows what he is doing, he has given his reply to the ghoul.

 _Deal._

A heartbeat later, then, the ghoul murmurs, _Thank you_ , in a voice already fading away _._ And Haise can't believe it, his nightmares of the ghoul taking over his body, his fear of losing what he has now with the CCG and his friends, all solved with one single promise with the ghoul – Haise doesn't even know its name.

 _W-wait! Your name?_ Haise stammers on impulse.

The reply is so faint that Haise barely catches it. _Kaneki. Kaneki Ken._

After a little hesitation, the ghoul – no, _Kaneki_ – adds a little louder, but still softly, with nothing but a little wistfulness in his voice, _Farewell, Haise. Maybe you'll end up with a happier story than mine._

Haise smiles, relishing in the peace and serenity coming from both of them.

 _I will. Thank you, Kaneki._

And really, if he's honest with himself, Haise didn't want to forget that girl named Touka anyways.

* * *

It happens about a week later.

Someone nags someone about a new café, and suddenly, the whole squad ends up walking what seems like a thousand miles to this place that supposedly has the best coffee in the ward. Truthfully, Haise isn't sure how it happened. One moment he's scribbling on some paperwork, trying hard not to wince at his rushing handwriting, and the next – he's being dragged out to eat lunch at – does his watch read 10:00 a.m.? Really, he loves his team, but who the heck eats lunch at ten?

"Come on, Maman," Saiko whines, tugging his arm. That's when he realizes they've arrived to…:Re?

 _What a funny name_ , Haise thinks as they step inside.

The interior is impressive, very elegant, and the smell in the air is enough to win Haise over. He looks around the café in admiration, and his team does the same, except Urie, who has already claimed a table for them. They sit down, chattering loudly, and someone – Saiko, probably – waves a hand to get a coffee.

A waitress comes over.

The first thing he notices about her is her hair, a peculiar light blue, like the color of the warm, sunny sky. Those soft tresses frame the most beautiful face he's ever seen, benevolent and glowing, her smile soft and bright – and suddenly he can't think, can't even _breathe_ , because he's _seen_ this face before, with those eyes that curious mixture of blue and purple.

"Hello, can I get your order?"

He stops dead in the middle of looking around, just freezes completely, mouth slightly parted. Mutsuki shakes his shoulder ( _Sassan, what's wrong with you, stop staring at that girl like that, it's creepy_ ), and Urie rolls his eyes. Shirazu and Saiko look on curiously. But he doesn't pay any attention to them.

He smiles brightly, having no doubt in his mind that he looks like an absolute dork. His team gives him weird looks, but he can care less at the moment.

He's found _the girl_.

 _Touka-chan._

"I want one latte. And I'd like it with a rabbit latte art, please."

In the corner of his mind, he's pretty sure Kaneki is grinning, too.

* * *

( _Aww, Sassan have a crush~~_ )

( _Hey - no, I don't!_ )

* * *

 _A/N: That was way longer than expected. Sorry for the late update? The second part of Remembrance - I hope you enjoyed it. I'm not sure if I actually liked this one. I feel like I missed something._

 _Anyways, don't forget : read and review!_


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